What I hope will be the final Nick Blog

“I ain’t saying you treated me unkind, you coulda done better but I don’t mind, you just kinda wasted my precious time, but don’t think twice it’s all right.”

I was thinking about Nick today while listening to this song. I wrote him this letter. I was going to email it to him. It’s a beautifully written letter. I’m not sure now if I want to send it. In my letter I said that I hope we meet again later in life. That someday we can be friends again. Will he even matter later in life? Will I still care years from now? I’m not sure. In a few years I will have done amazing things. I plan on having finished grad school, and I would like to think that I will have started a career. Where would he fit? Would we talk on the phone? Would it be awkward? Where does my ex-boyfriend fit into my life? I mean, will he even think of me years from now? He’s “the reason I’m traveling on.” I mean I wish there was something he would do or say to make me change my mind about us, but it’s all right. “Good bye is too good a word babe so I’ll just say fare-thee-well.” This song is so much like us. Even if he were to feel any sort of guilt about the two of us I would tell him not to. I would tell him it was all right.

Today, while sitting in a café in Vienna, I thought about him, missed him, and moved on at the same. I realized today, while sitting in this café in Vienna, that I will find someone else. And that Nick wasn’t the great love of my life. I realized that I shouldn’t think twice, it’s all right. So, there you have it. I am ok. I have moved on. I’m ok with the fact that he didn’t say goodbye. It’s better that way. Vienna is not only the start of a new chapter in my life, it’s the start of a new me. And I will be all right.

Its almost over...

I just have to wait for the summer to be over... I have 3 weeks to go. I can make it... My boss talked to me to follow up... I wish I were home. If I didn't like living here, I would quit. Well, its not so much that I like living here specifically... I like being in DC. I like working with my students for the most part. I don't like the way we get screwed all the time. We have no way to discipline the kids... I need church. I need to be follow Jesus more. I need to maintain focus. This will be a long/ fast moving last 3 weeks.

What a week!

I got in trouble at work this week... There were some little things that my boss says I need to work on. They have nothing to do with how my classes run, they are more about the field trips, which seem to me like nit picking kinds of stuff. I also was afraid that a student wanted to go home because of me. I was really worried about it. At the beginning of the week I was afraid my job was on the line. All of my co-workers assured me that I am doing a great job... Sometimes I wonder... I made a bunch of small mistakes the first 2 weeks. You'd think they would say well, its your first time, its ok, just dont do it again... No... Not here. I miss a good Christian environment. I miss having followers of Jesus around me to support me and keep things in perspective to me. Would you believe that I am kind of quiet here? I know right?! Me quiet? Never! haha

Here I am a quiet one. I have been praying more lately. I feel like I have been very ungrateful to God for all that He has given me. I haven't been worshiping as much as I should, I haven't been praying like I should... I need to keep my focus on Jesus instead of getting caught up in all of this mess. I miss Nashville. I need Mosaic. I need a church. I can't wait for Austria.

Pray for me.

MSCL

Things I am missing...

I've been thinking about the guy that I've been hanging out with lately and the more I think about him the more I miss Nick. Nick may be a total douche bag, I know that he treated me like crap... But it wasn't all bad. And I miss him. I miss his laugh, his voice, the way he holds me... Its totally different with other people. I like Kevin, but he is no Nick. He doesn't make me laugh the way Nick does, he doesn't make me feel like Nick. I know what you're thinking... Its only been a month, its too early to think that, but its not. I knew with in the first month with Robbie that I wanted to be with him. I'm still not sure about Kevin. I knew with in a week about Nick... I miss being sure. I miss knowing how someone feels. I realize its a different situation. But I don't feel like it is.

Also I miss Mosaic. I miss it so much my heart breaks. I miss my home. My family. Mosaic is those things for me. I would give anything to have it here. It would make my life so much better.

Well, good night, love you all.

MSCL

What does it all mean?

So, I met someone since coming here. I've been really excited and nervous about it. He is the brother of a friend of mine. I've been thinking all morning about how I want to phrase this blog. There are alot of things that I am unsure about. Where he stands is one of those things. I used to think that I understood men. That they were simple creatures whose thoughts were typically limited to certain topics and ideas that were generally much less complicated than women. Men for me are much easier to understand than women. I enjoy spending my time with guys over girls. I get guys. I like beer and bullshit... I like being goofy. You can drink beer and bullshit and be goofy with guys in a way that you can't be with girls. I thought I understood how men work. It has been made clear to me by this guy that I have no idea what I'm talking about.

The thing about this whole situation is that to me liking this guy is a big deal. Sure he's kind of obnoxious but if you have met any guy I have ever dated he's less obnoxious than they were. He's like a big kid. Which is both a good and bad thing. But that's neither here nor there. The point is, he's the first guy I've liked since Nick. He's the first guy I've wanted to spend alot of time with since Nick. He's the first guy to kiss me since Nick... I know that for many guys the desire to kiss someone can be less about the person and more about the physcial contact. But guys that are like that don't take the 30 min car ride to take you home when you could just as easily take the train.
I'm not sure how he is thinking. One minute I am sure that there is something there and then the next I think I must have no idea what's going on. He told his brother's gf that we are like oil and water... But we've been spending alot of time together and he goes out of his way for me. He thinks that he bugs me... He does, but not as much as he thinks he does. He either knows that I like him and is not interested or he has no clue. I don't have any idea what he is thinking. I don't know him well enough to. But I do know this, I like this guy, and have no idea if he likes me. I get nervous around this guy, he makes me want to try.
If being with Nick has taught me anything, it is that I am not in control of other people, no matter how much my control freak nature would allow me to believe. Maybe I am pushing things, maybe I should just sit back, take a break from spending all of my free time with him and see what he does. Maybe I need to go on the date with that other guy that I keep putting off. Maybe I should have given my number to that guy at that party that we went to on the 4th. Maybe I don't understand men the way I thought I did.
I hope he looks up this blog. I hope he reads it. He'll know its about him. I hope I don't make a fool of myself if he does. Lord knows I don't need any help doing that. We'll see what happens. His brother and his brother's gf are hoping that we get together. I don't know... Maybe when I prayed for patience God had a different plan for giving it to me.

In other news, I still haven't found a church yet. I miss Mosaic so much. I miss the fellowship, and the love. I skipped church last Sunday and didn't even feel bad. I need to find a new family and soon!

Finding God in a Godless city

Today I attended Theater Church for the 2nd time. Its no Mosaic... Not at all... Today I felt lost and tired... I felt lost because I don't have my church family to fall back on. To keep me feeling connected. I prayed today that God would lead me to the right people, people that would shine His light into my life. I'm going to check out another church next week. Its called Mosaic DC. I can't wait for next Sunday. I miss going to a church where I feel at home. I miss Mosaic. I miss feeling like I was a part of something greater than myself. Pray for me. I need it. I met a guy last night. He's Bill's twin brother. We'll see. I think I have made a new friend. I hope so. I could use one here.

I miss my church!!!!

I attended a new church here in DC today... It was in a movie theater. The message was good, but the pastor wasn't Gary. The worship leader was a great singer... But she wasn't Thomas... I miss Mosaic! I miss the way Thomas leads worship, I miss the way Gary gives God's message to me... I miss my church. I'm sure that I will find a new church. I know I will. But that church will never be Mosaic.

The Last Supper

Tonight is my last night in Nashville. I went out today, had breakfast with Matt, got my nails done, had lunch at Amerigo's, and then went to the mall to buy more work clothes. I look more like a grown up than I ever have before. I will leave tomorrow on a jet plane, and I truly don't know when I'll be back again. I am nervous and excited. As I sit here waiting on my laundry to finish so I can keep packing, I have to reflect on everything that has happened here in Nashville. I'm ready... That is for sure, but I don't feel ready yet. I still have so many things that I want to do and see here in the place I call home. Goodbye Nashville. You were a great friend and even better confidant. I will miss you greatly!


MSCL

I bought my ticket...

I bought my ticket today for DC... I'm filled with many different emotions... Fear, nervousness, anxiety, excitement, joy, wonder, gain, and loss... I've been pondering this verse lately...

Hebrews 12:1-3
¹Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. ²Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

I am running this race, sometimes I falter... Sometimes I feel the total sense of God working in my life... Right now I am waiting... Waiting for a week from today when I descend onto the world as more than just a college student. I will be employed! This is exciting and I am anxious to get there, but at the same time, I am not ready to go.

I called the ex tonight. I want to see him one last time before I leave. There are many reasons why none greater than I still am in love with him. It sucks. There's not much more to say about it. It SUCKS! I lie to myself sometimes and tell myself that I don't care. That he doesn't matter to me anymore. This isn't true. I am beginning to think that people you love will always matter, no matter how much you want this to be true.

I feel like this move is a test of faith. That God is asking me to trust Him. He is asking me to know and believe Him and everything He is doing in my life. Its not easy. But I don't know why it feels hard. I love DC. I'm so excited to get back to DC. But I finally felt at home here. I've lived here all my life and it took me a week before I leave to embrace this city as home. Ain't that a bitch as my friend Kristy would say. If God is testing me and my faith, I will do my best to rise to the challenge. I'm just scared of leaving home. Its not that I love it here so much, I'm just scared of change. Which is normal I guess...

I'm also scared of/ sad to/ leave the ex. I realize he is my ex for a reason, but I feel like I'm in a good place with him right now. I have finally come to a place where I am ok with how things are. Maybe, that could be total bs. I don't really know how I feel... What I do know is, I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that we will never be together again and I am holding on for dear life. I know this is stupid. I know I am much much much better off without him. But I will and do miss him. I've never miss anything or anyone more. I am scared that tonight if I see him will be my last goodbye. And I don't want to say good bye.

Be praying for me. That I "throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let [me] run with perseverance the race marked out for [me]." I have a laundry list of things that I have to throw off, and the ex is one of them. I'm taking this leap of faith and doing so. It will not be easy, but saying goodbye to someone you love never is. I am taking this leap because it is what God requires of me. I am doing it because for this I stand... This way I walk.


MSCL

I Graduated!

I graduated from college Saturday! This was one of the biggest days of my life!

I'll post more about my reflections from what I've learned later.


So, after a few days to reflect on what I have learned I thought it was important to tell you the most important lesson God has taught me over the last 4 years of my life... That lesson is Don't Let Fear Control Your Life.
This has been a VERY important lesson for me. Fear is an important part of your natural instincts. It keeps us from harm, protects us from danger, and prevents us from making rash decisions that could lead us down the wrong path. Fear when it doesn't control us it is a good and healthy thing. Fear becomes a problem when it prevents us from doing God's work, or living our lives, it is not only harmful, but also dangerous.


I'm learning not to hold myself back, and God is helping me.

Forgiveness

Its amazing how God works. How he forgives us and teaches us to love ourselves and others as He loved us... There will be a post on this later on. I had an amazing moment with the help of Christ. Not a moment really, but rather He called me to be who I say I am... And it was good. And so is God!

Beautiful Mystery

I've been listening to this song today that we heard in church. Its called "Beautiful Mystery."
The lyrics are:
I will praise you
with all of my heart soul and strength
And I need you
more and more each day
Lord I love you
at the foot of the cross I will stay

Your blood it covers me so I'll sing

Halleluiah its a beautiful mystery
Halleluiah to love someone you can't see
Halleluiah to be loved by you my King
My King

This has kind of been my song of the day. How great is our God! There have been so many times this year where I felt downhearted, when I felt like I couldn't handle one more disappointment or failure. But, in that time, I clung to God. He rewards us for our faith. He blesses us. Its funny how in times where we feel tested the most it can be easier to have faith and trust in God, but for me, its hardest in the day to day aspects of life. Knowing that I can fall back on Him for anything, even in looking for which way to go when I'm driving my car. But for me, its not that easy. I try to control the little things, and I think God has placed so much on me to show me that I can trust in Him everyday, no matter the issue, no matter how small it may seem. And I will praise Him with all of my heart, soul, and strength. It seems like in the worst of times, it is the easiest to praise Him for me...

I am learning to become a woman of God. Its not easy. Choosing to love God is a daily adventure. Its something that makes me abandon myself everyday. I have to decide to follow Him, even when its not easy. I am learning to love people as He loves me... I am learning to follow. Its hard to follow when you're so used to leading. I learned this in a dance class I took. I had a really hard time letting the guy lead. It was easier for me to lead. My dance partner, my friend Zak, struggled to get me to trust him not to run me into someone. And I knew he wouldn't... But trust is something I struggle with. Even though I know I can trust God, its hard to practice something that you have never learned how to do. But I am learning... God is an amazing teacher.

I've been thinking alot about Sin... A friend of mine is pursing this girl who has a boy friend. This girl is cheating on her boyfriend with him... I've been trying to consul this friend on walking in the ways of Jesus and have let myself become proud. I feel like I am a better Christian than he is because of his unwillingness to turn from this sinful relationship... But I am no better than this kid... I am starting to think that my pride causes more damage to my faith and to the church than the sin of those who don't believe... I don't know... I am trying to love this friend as God would have me love him... I am trying to not judge him, and show God's love to him. Its part of making the choice to love God. Pray for him, and for this girl. They both need it. And pray for me that I can be a good influence on my friend.

In other news...
My Pastor said something HILARIOUS today! He said: "It is easier to find a dodo bird cruising around downtown Nashville than it is to find a guy who follows in the ways of Jesus."
And MAN is he right!


May the love of God continue to interupt your daily lives!

MSCL

Is it Graduation Yet?

So, I am about to start a great adventure. I am moving to DC is a few weeks. I graduate from Belmont on the 16th and life is finally starting to look up. A lot has happened. A good friend of mine was accused of a crime he did not commit by a girl who lied and got so caught up in it she couldn't take it back. My roommates decided that they hated me for taking his side, earlier this year I had a pregnancy scare. My Grandparents house was hit in a tornado, my aunt died, and life pretty much sucked for a bit... But I pulled through. Now I am about to begin the journey called the real world. Whatever that means.

Here is something that is not depressing that I want to write about:

God is amazing! He has been making all of the crap in my life not seem so terrible. He's been getting me through it all, and despite the fact that I am week and fail to act the way I should, he has stood by me...





Have an amazing day!

MSCL