I bought my ticket...

I bought my ticket today for DC... I'm filled with many different emotions... Fear, nervousness, anxiety, excitement, joy, wonder, gain, and loss... I've been pondering this verse lately...

Hebrews 12:1-3
¹Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. ²Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

I am running this race, sometimes I falter... Sometimes I feel the total sense of God working in my life... Right now I am waiting... Waiting for a week from today when I descend onto the world as more than just a college student. I will be employed! This is exciting and I am anxious to get there, but at the same time, I am not ready to go.

I called the ex tonight. I want to see him one last time before I leave. There are many reasons why none greater than I still am in love with him. It sucks. There's not much more to say about it. It SUCKS! I lie to myself sometimes and tell myself that I don't care. That he doesn't matter to me anymore. This isn't true. I am beginning to think that people you love will always matter, no matter how much you want this to be true.

I feel like this move is a test of faith. That God is asking me to trust Him. He is asking me to know and believe Him and everything He is doing in my life. Its not easy. But I don't know why it feels hard. I love DC. I'm so excited to get back to DC. But I finally felt at home here. I've lived here all my life and it took me a week before I leave to embrace this city as home. Ain't that a bitch as my friend Kristy would say. If God is testing me and my faith, I will do my best to rise to the challenge. I'm just scared of leaving home. Its not that I love it here so much, I'm just scared of change. Which is normal I guess...

I'm also scared of/ sad to/ leave the ex. I realize he is my ex for a reason, but I feel like I'm in a good place with him right now. I have finally come to a place where I am ok with how things are. Maybe, that could be total bs. I don't really know how I feel... What I do know is, I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that we will never be together again and I am holding on for dear life. I know this is stupid. I know I am much much much better off without him. But I will and do miss him. I've never miss anything or anyone more. I am scared that tonight if I see him will be my last goodbye. And I don't want to say good bye.

Be praying for me. That I "throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let [me] run with perseverance the race marked out for [me]." I have a laundry list of things that I have to throw off, and the ex is one of them. I'm taking this leap of faith and doing so. It will not be easy, but saying goodbye to someone you love never is. I am taking this leap because it is what God requires of me. I am doing it because for this I stand... This way I walk.


MSCL