Quick update: Started dating someone. Don't think its gonna work out. Mostly because he just got divorced and is not ready to be in a relationship yet. Oh and he's aspy and he's Jewish and there are a million other things about him that I can't deal with right now.
Why come into my life and act like you want me in it if you can't make room for me?
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
What I hope will be the final Nick Blog
“I ain’t saying you treated me unkind, you coulda done better but I don’t mind, you just kinda wasted my precious time, but don’t think twice it’s all right.”
I was thinking about Nick today while listening to this song. I wrote him this letter. I was going to email it to him. It’s a beautifully written letter. I’m not sure now if I want to send it. In my letter I said that I hope we meet again later in life. That someday we can be friends again. Will he even matter later in life? Will I still care years from now? I’m not sure. In a few years I will have done amazing things. I plan on having finished grad school, and I would like to think that I will have started a career. Where would he fit? Would we talk on the phone? Would it be awkward? Where does my ex-boyfriend fit into my life? I mean, will he even think of me years from now? He’s “the reason I’m traveling on.” I mean I wish there was something he would do or say to make me change my mind about us, but it’s all right. “Good bye is too good a word babe so I’ll just say fare-thee-well.” This song is so much like us. Even if he were to feel any sort of guilt about the two of us I would tell him not to. I would tell him it was all right.
Today, while sitting in a café in Vienna, I thought about him, missed him, and moved on at the same. I realized today, while sitting in this café in Vienna, that I will find someone else. And that Nick wasn’t the great love of my life. I realized that I shouldn’t think twice, it’s all right. So, there you have it. I am ok. I have moved on. I’m ok with the fact that he didn’t say goodbye. It’s better that way. Vienna is not only the start of a new chapter in my life, it’s the start of a new me. And I will be all right.
I was thinking about Nick today while listening to this song. I wrote him this letter. I was going to email it to him. It’s a beautifully written letter. I’m not sure now if I want to send it. In my letter I said that I hope we meet again later in life. That someday we can be friends again. Will he even matter later in life? Will I still care years from now? I’m not sure. In a few years I will have done amazing things. I plan on having finished grad school, and I would like to think that I will have started a career. Where would he fit? Would we talk on the phone? Would it be awkward? Where does my ex-boyfriend fit into my life? I mean, will he even think of me years from now? He’s “the reason I’m traveling on.” I mean I wish there was something he would do or say to make me change my mind about us, but it’s all right. “Good bye is too good a word babe so I’ll just say fare-thee-well.” This song is so much like us. Even if he were to feel any sort of guilt about the two of us I would tell him not to. I would tell him it was all right.
Today, while sitting in a café in Vienna, I thought about him, missed him, and moved on at the same. I realized today, while sitting in this café in Vienna, that I will find someone else. And that Nick wasn’t the great love of my life. I realized that I shouldn’t think twice, it’s all right. So, there you have it. I am ok. I have moved on. I’m ok with the fact that he didn’t say goodbye. It’s better that way. Vienna is not only the start of a new chapter in my life, it’s the start of a new me. And I will be all right.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Its almost over...
I just have to wait for the summer to be over... I have 3 weeks to go. I can make it... My boss talked to me to follow up... I wish I were home. If I didn't like living here, I would quit. Well, its not so much that I like living here specifically... I like being in DC. I like working with my students for the most part. I don't like the way we get screwed all the time. We have no way to discipline the kids... I need church. I need to be follow Jesus more. I need to maintain focus. This will be a long/ fast moving last 3 weeks.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
What a week!
I got in trouble at work this week... There were some little things that my boss says I need to work on. They have nothing to do with how my classes run, they are more about the field trips, which seem to me like nit picking kinds of stuff. I also was afraid that a student wanted to go home because of me. I was really worried about it. At the beginning of the week I was afraid my job was on the line. All of my co-workers assured me that I am doing a great job... Sometimes I wonder... I made a bunch of small mistakes the first 2 weeks. You'd think they would say well, its your first time, its ok, just dont do it again... No... Not here. I miss a good Christian environment. I miss having followers of Jesus around me to support me and keep things in perspective to me. Would you believe that I am kind of quiet here? I know right?! Me quiet? Never! haha
Here I am a quiet one. I have been praying more lately. I feel like I have been very ungrateful to God for all that He has given me. I haven't been worshiping as much as I should, I haven't been praying like I should... I need to keep my focus on Jesus instead of getting caught up in all of this mess. I miss Nashville. I need Mosaic. I need a church. I can't wait for Austria.
Pray for me.
MSCL
Here I am a quiet one. I have been praying more lately. I feel like I have been very ungrateful to God for all that He has given me. I haven't been worshiping as much as I should, I haven't been praying like I should... I need to keep my focus on Jesus instead of getting caught up in all of this mess. I miss Nashville. I need Mosaic. I need a church. I can't wait for Austria.
Pray for me.
MSCL
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Things I am missing...
I've been thinking about the guy that I've been hanging out with lately and the more I think about him the more I miss Nick. Nick may be a total douche bag, I know that he treated me like crap... But it wasn't all bad. And I miss him. I miss his laugh, his voice, the way he holds me... Its totally different with other people. I like Kevin, but he is no Nick. He doesn't make me laugh the way Nick does, he doesn't make me feel like Nick. I know what you're thinking... Its only been a month, its too early to think that, but its not. I knew with in the first month with Robbie that I wanted to be with him. I'm still not sure about Kevin. I knew with in a week about Nick... I miss being sure. I miss knowing how someone feels. I realize its a different situation. But I don't feel like it is.
Also I miss Mosaic. I miss it so much my heart breaks. I miss my home. My family. Mosaic is those things for me. I would give anything to have it here. It would make my life so much better.
Well, good night, love you all.
MSCL
Also I miss Mosaic. I miss it so much my heart breaks. I miss my home. My family. Mosaic is those things for me. I would give anything to have it here. It would make my life so much better.
Well, good night, love you all.
MSCL
What does it all mean?
So, I met someone since coming here. I've been really excited and nervous about it. He is the brother of a friend of mine. I've been thinking all morning about how I want to phrase this blog. There are alot of things that I am unsure about. Where he stands is one of those things. I used to think that I understood men. That they were simple creatures whose thoughts were typically limited to certain topics and ideas that were generally much less complicated than women. Men for me are much easier to understand than women. I enjoy spending my time with guys over girls. I get guys. I like beer and bullshit... I like being goofy. You can drink beer and bullshit and be goofy with guys in a way that you can't be with girls. I thought I understood how men work. It has been made clear to me by this guy that I have no idea what I'm talking about.
The thing about this whole situation is that to me liking this guy is a big deal. Sure he's kind of obnoxious but if you have met any guy I have ever dated he's less obnoxious than they were. He's like a big kid. Which is both a good and bad thing. But that's neither here nor there. The point is, he's the first guy I've liked since Nick. He's the first guy I've wanted to spend alot of time with since Nick. He's the first guy to kiss me since Nick... I know that for many guys the desire to kiss someone can be less about the person and more about the physcial contact. But guys that are like that don't take the 30 min car ride to take you home when you could just as easily take the train.
I'm not sure how he is thinking. One minute I am sure that there is something there and then the next I think I must have no idea what's going on. He told his brother's gf that we are like oil and water... But we've been spending alot of time together and he goes out of his way for me. He thinks that he bugs me... He does, but not as much as he thinks he does. He either knows that I like him and is not interested or he has no clue. I don't have any idea what he is thinking. I don't know him well enough to. But I do know this, I like this guy, and have no idea if he likes me. I get nervous around this guy, he makes me want to try.
If being with Nick has taught me anything, it is that I am not in control of other people, no matter how much my control freak nature would allow me to believe. Maybe I am pushing things, maybe I should just sit back, take a break from spending all of my free time with him and see what he does. Maybe I need to go on the date with that other guy that I keep putting off. Maybe I should have given my number to that guy at that party that we went to on the 4th. Maybe I don't understand men the way I thought I did.
I hope he looks up this blog. I hope he reads it. He'll know its about him. I hope I don't make a fool of myself if he does. Lord knows I don't need any help doing that. We'll see what happens. His brother and his brother's gf are hoping that we get together. I don't know... Maybe when I prayed for patience God had a different plan for giving it to me.
In other news, I still haven't found a church yet. I miss Mosaic so much. I miss the fellowship, and the love. I skipped church last Sunday and didn't even feel bad. I need to find a new family and soon!
The thing about this whole situation is that to me liking this guy is a big deal. Sure he's kind of obnoxious but if you have met any guy I have ever dated he's less obnoxious than they were. He's like a big kid. Which is both a good and bad thing. But that's neither here nor there. The point is, he's the first guy I've liked since Nick. He's the first guy I've wanted to spend alot of time with since Nick. He's the first guy to kiss me since Nick... I know that for many guys the desire to kiss someone can be less about the person and more about the physcial contact. But guys that are like that don't take the 30 min car ride to take you home when you could just as easily take the train.
I'm not sure how he is thinking. One minute I am sure that there is something there and then the next I think I must have no idea what's going on. He told his brother's gf that we are like oil and water... But we've been spending alot of time together and he goes out of his way for me. He thinks that he bugs me... He does, but not as much as he thinks he does. He either knows that I like him and is not interested or he has no clue. I don't have any idea what he is thinking. I don't know him well enough to. But I do know this, I like this guy, and have no idea if he likes me. I get nervous around this guy, he makes me want to try.
If being with Nick has taught me anything, it is that I am not in control of other people, no matter how much my control freak nature would allow me to believe. Maybe I am pushing things, maybe I should just sit back, take a break from spending all of my free time with him and see what he does. Maybe I need to go on the date with that other guy that I keep putting off. Maybe I should have given my number to that guy at that party that we went to on the 4th. Maybe I don't understand men the way I thought I did.
I hope he looks up this blog. I hope he reads it. He'll know its about him. I hope I don't make a fool of myself if he does. Lord knows I don't need any help doing that. We'll see what happens. His brother and his brother's gf are hoping that we get together. I don't know... Maybe when I prayed for patience God had a different plan for giving it to me.
In other news, I still haven't found a church yet. I miss Mosaic so much. I miss the fellowship, and the love. I skipped church last Sunday and didn't even feel bad. I need to find a new family and soon!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Finding God in a Godless city
Today I attended Theater Church for the 2nd time. Its no Mosaic... Not at all... Today I felt lost and tired... I felt lost because I don't have my church family to fall back on. To keep me feeling connected. I prayed today that God would lead me to the right people, people that would shine His light into my life. I'm going to check out another church next week. Its called Mosaic DC. I can't wait for next Sunday. I miss going to a church where I feel at home. I miss Mosaic. I miss feeling like I was a part of something greater than myself. Pray for me. I need it. I met a guy last night. He's Bill's twin brother. We'll see. I think I have made a new friend. I hope so. I could use one here.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
