I bought my ticket...

I bought my ticket today for DC... I'm filled with many different emotions... Fear, nervousness, anxiety, excitement, joy, wonder, gain, and loss... I've been pondering this verse lately...

Hebrews 12:1-3
¹Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. ²Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

I am running this race, sometimes I falter... Sometimes I feel the total sense of God working in my life... Right now I am waiting... Waiting for a week from today when I descend onto the world as more than just a college student. I will be employed! This is exciting and I am anxious to get there, but at the same time, I am not ready to go.

I called the ex tonight. I want to see him one last time before I leave. There are many reasons why none greater than I still am in love with him. It sucks. There's not much more to say about it. It SUCKS! I lie to myself sometimes and tell myself that I don't care. That he doesn't matter to me anymore. This isn't true. I am beginning to think that people you love will always matter, no matter how much you want this to be true.

I feel like this move is a test of faith. That God is asking me to trust Him. He is asking me to know and believe Him and everything He is doing in my life. Its not easy. But I don't know why it feels hard. I love DC. I'm so excited to get back to DC. But I finally felt at home here. I've lived here all my life and it took me a week before I leave to embrace this city as home. Ain't that a bitch as my friend Kristy would say. If God is testing me and my faith, I will do my best to rise to the challenge. I'm just scared of leaving home. Its not that I love it here so much, I'm just scared of change. Which is normal I guess...

I'm also scared of/ sad to/ leave the ex. I realize he is my ex for a reason, but I feel like I'm in a good place with him right now. I have finally come to a place where I am ok with how things are. Maybe, that could be total bs. I don't really know how I feel... What I do know is, I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that we will never be together again and I am holding on for dear life. I know this is stupid. I know I am much much much better off without him. But I will and do miss him. I've never miss anything or anyone more. I am scared that tonight if I see him will be my last goodbye. And I don't want to say good bye.

Be praying for me. That I "throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let [me] run with perseverance the race marked out for [me]." I have a laundry list of things that I have to throw off, and the ex is one of them. I'm taking this leap of faith and doing so. It will not be easy, but saying goodbye to someone you love never is. I am taking this leap because it is what God requires of me. I am doing it because for this I stand... This way I walk.


MSCL

I Graduated!

I graduated from college Saturday! This was one of the biggest days of my life!

I'll post more about my reflections from what I've learned later.


So, after a few days to reflect on what I have learned I thought it was important to tell you the most important lesson God has taught me over the last 4 years of my life... That lesson is Don't Let Fear Control Your Life.
This has been a VERY important lesson for me. Fear is an important part of your natural instincts. It keeps us from harm, protects us from danger, and prevents us from making rash decisions that could lead us down the wrong path. Fear when it doesn't control us it is a good and healthy thing. Fear becomes a problem when it prevents us from doing God's work, or living our lives, it is not only harmful, but also dangerous.


I'm learning not to hold myself back, and God is helping me.

Forgiveness

Its amazing how God works. How he forgives us and teaches us to love ourselves and others as He loved us... There will be a post on this later on. I had an amazing moment with the help of Christ. Not a moment really, but rather He called me to be who I say I am... And it was good. And so is God!

Beautiful Mystery

I've been listening to this song today that we heard in church. Its called "Beautiful Mystery."
The lyrics are:
I will praise you
with all of my heart soul and strength
And I need you
more and more each day
Lord I love you
at the foot of the cross I will stay

Your blood it covers me so I'll sing

Halleluiah its a beautiful mystery
Halleluiah to love someone you can't see
Halleluiah to be loved by you my King
My King

This has kind of been my song of the day. How great is our God! There have been so many times this year where I felt downhearted, when I felt like I couldn't handle one more disappointment or failure. But, in that time, I clung to God. He rewards us for our faith. He blesses us. Its funny how in times where we feel tested the most it can be easier to have faith and trust in God, but for me, its hardest in the day to day aspects of life. Knowing that I can fall back on Him for anything, even in looking for which way to go when I'm driving my car. But for me, its not that easy. I try to control the little things, and I think God has placed so much on me to show me that I can trust in Him everyday, no matter the issue, no matter how small it may seem. And I will praise Him with all of my heart, soul, and strength. It seems like in the worst of times, it is the easiest to praise Him for me...

I am learning to become a woman of God. Its not easy. Choosing to love God is a daily adventure. Its something that makes me abandon myself everyday. I have to decide to follow Him, even when its not easy. I am learning to love people as He loves me... I am learning to follow. Its hard to follow when you're so used to leading. I learned this in a dance class I took. I had a really hard time letting the guy lead. It was easier for me to lead. My dance partner, my friend Zak, struggled to get me to trust him not to run me into someone. And I knew he wouldn't... But trust is something I struggle with. Even though I know I can trust God, its hard to practice something that you have never learned how to do. But I am learning... God is an amazing teacher.

I've been thinking alot about Sin... A friend of mine is pursing this girl who has a boy friend. This girl is cheating on her boyfriend with him... I've been trying to consul this friend on walking in the ways of Jesus and have let myself become proud. I feel like I am a better Christian than he is because of his unwillingness to turn from this sinful relationship... But I am no better than this kid... I am starting to think that my pride causes more damage to my faith and to the church than the sin of those who don't believe... I don't know... I am trying to love this friend as God would have me love him... I am trying to not judge him, and show God's love to him. Its part of making the choice to love God. Pray for him, and for this girl. They both need it. And pray for me that I can be a good influence on my friend.

In other news...
My Pastor said something HILARIOUS today! He said: "It is easier to find a dodo bird cruising around downtown Nashville than it is to find a guy who follows in the ways of Jesus."
And MAN is he right!


May the love of God continue to interupt your daily lives!

MSCL

Is it Graduation Yet?

So, I am about to start a great adventure. I am moving to DC is a few weeks. I graduate from Belmont on the 16th and life is finally starting to look up. A lot has happened. A good friend of mine was accused of a crime he did not commit by a girl who lied and got so caught up in it she couldn't take it back. My roommates decided that they hated me for taking his side, earlier this year I had a pregnancy scare. My Grandparents house was hit in a tornado, my aunt died, and life pretty much sucked for a bit... But I pulled through. Now I am about to begin the journey called the real world. Whatever that means.

Here is something that is not depressing that I want to write about:

God is amazing! He has been making all of the crap in my life not seem so terrible. He's been getting me through it all, and despite the fact that I am week and fail to act the way I should, he has stood by me...





Have an amazing day!

MSCL